i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
