Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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