I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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