you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
