I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
