It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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