Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
