dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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