When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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