Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
