My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize