You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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