Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
