They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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