Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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