I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
