Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
