You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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