So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
