My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
