Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish I only lived at night.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
