I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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