I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
