Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
