i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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