So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
