guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
