Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hate all girls vehemently.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just googled if crying burns calories
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
