Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You may now shotgun with the bride
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
