My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
