Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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