My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
