sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
