I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
