Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
