i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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