Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
