Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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