I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
ugly people sure do ruin things
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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