Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
