im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
