There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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