dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
