just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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