Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
