at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
