ya dads aren't the best wingmen
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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