I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
