I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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