She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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